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Dec. 27th, 2007 | 11:55 am

Benazir Bhutto has twenty dummy corporations in the Caribbean to hoard all of the money she laundered out of Pakistan when she was prime minister, and now she is a martyr. It just eludes me. That's when I think there really might be a conspiracy of the elite to ignore corruption.

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(no subject)

Dec. 22nd, 2007 | 11:29 pm

I needed to be reminded of something. I spent so much time worrying that I'm growing apart from friends at home, so preoccupied with the fact that my aunts and uncles will never really be able to understand what I'm doing at college this semester, that I've created some sort of unnecessary gulf. Because of what a few friends have said about me this past summer, I became suddenly worried that everything I said sounded arrogant, because I heard that someone said I sounded "so Tufts," and I got this notion in my head that I was just tragically misunderstood. But it's too hard to live like that. I can't distance myself from friends at home just because we may not have have the same interests anymore. It doesn't matter whether you have anything in common at all with people you've known since second grade, that's what you have in common. I don't want my friendships to change with my mood or my major. I'm in it for the long haul.

I think I realized that as I was sitting writing my EPIIC paper in the middle of the Lobenstines' caroling party, surrounded my my old friends and middle school teachers and everyone's siblings, and they were all cheering me on, urging me to get it done by midnight. And I did.

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(no subject)

Dec. 17th, 2007 | 11:09 pm

took the EPIIC final today. Sat in a dark cramped room in the back of the IGL by myself for five hours. Heather kept coming in and giving me the test page by page as she wrote it. I felt tired. When I finished I crept downstairs and searched for everybody but the building was eerily deserted and I walked around in my socks. I wandered into Sherman's office and he was the only person left, sitting there at his desk. I am still intimidated by him and was unsure of what to say. I felt the need to say something. I asked him why he was wearing snow pants. "Well, Courtney, I was outside," he replied.

I went to Harvard with Lucia, James, and Amy to see Juno and relax. When I came back I realized I had left my laptop cord at the IGL yet still somehow had to write my twenty page Bolivia paper plus the IRB form. Instead I dimmed the screen and and typed this entry.

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(no subject)

Dec. 16th, 2007 | 02:22 am

roommate: I'm going to start keeping a journal again.
me: what language will it be in?
roommate: a spatter.

me: christmas, christmas time is here...
roommate: okay, Courtney, I've had enough of that song. I just can't take it anymore.

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(no subject)

Dec. 15th, 2007 | 01:50 pm

there was a little bit of drama just now when my stepmom thought I'd been hacking into her myspace because someone changed her profile to a picture of me. I said, I couldn't believe she even had a myspace. To which she responded, "at least no one touched my facebook."

the positive that came out of this exchange was that she did lead me to my little brother's youtube video:

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(no subject)

Dec. 11th, 2007 | 12:18 pm

I went to the airport yesterday to get my yellow fever shot. The nurse was a small Nigerian man who gave me his opinion on coca farmers, except he kept using the needle he was about to inject me with to make gestures as he was speaking, which made me, needless to say, nervous.

I'm really frustrated with the fact that I can't speak spanish. I emailed this photojournalist in Bolivia asking him to help me find a fixer, and his response was, "it's really just better if you learn the language." My Nigerian nurse told me people are a lot less likely to trust me if I don't speak Spanish, and will probably even lie to me. I don't like chinese, but I'm stuck with it for the next two and a half years, and now whenever I try to think of how to say something in spanish all that comes out is "bu tai hao" or "wo hen xihuan!" I'll never be fluent in chinese, but if I had stuck with spanish I could have been by now. But I'm just happy to be here.

I didn't get into Boston much this semester. I think I got downtown twice and zero times to back bay. That is so sad. I don't even have the grades to show for the time spent studying in my room.

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(no subject)

Nov. 22nd, 2007 | 06:13 pm

I like things how I like them. I like visceral pleasures. I like things to be aesthetically pleasing. I like ambiance and mood lighting and incense and tea, and it baffles me that people can say “whatever” and not strive for perfect moments. I like buying lots of things and then putting them all away. I love unpacking as soon as I check into a hotel room. I have so many guilty pleasures, so many small indulgences, like a song on my iPod that I listen to over and over. I like stacking my books and rearranging them in order of height. I like driving to the grocery store and buying frills like goat cheese and peaches, just because they taste nice and will make a lovely evening. I find driving therapeutic. I compartmentalize and analyze things in my head. I zone out and sing to my own songs and never have to worry about anyone else interfering. I like planning out my weekends on margins of paper in Chinese class. I like fall and sweaters and scarves and mittens and boots. I wish I could dress for eternal fall. I like going to the movies when it's cold out and getting coffee afterwards. I like perfect pens, and will go to lengths to buy a long-term supply. I make lists of things to have in my own house once I graduate and make money. I like Christmas. I know I will have Christmas decorations and music and family photos and egg nog and candles and Christmas movies. I know that I will be on top of every little detail to maximize the holiday spirit. I do dishes because I like how the sink looks when it is clean. I plan what I will have for breakfast when I am thirty.

This all seems so ordinary—who doesn’t appreciate tasteful lighting—but then I realize that maybe I take a little bit too much pleasure in the little things. It doesn’t make much room for other people. When someone alters my perfect plan I become uncomfortable, and my mood falters. I realize that what this is all about is romance, but romance for myself only. Lately I have been so content without other people that I worry that one day I will wake up and wonder where everyone is. It’s odd, I’ve always thought of myself as a needy person, requiring emotional gratification from people surrounding me. But this fall I suddenly feel ambivalent. It’s like my social life has become white noise that I don’t really feel anymore. A dvd and a cup of tea in my own room makes me so euphorically happy that I don’t miss not going out. I've always just been a fair-weather socializer.

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(no subject)

Nov. 18th, 2007 | 07:42 pm

(calling home)
me: hi.
dad: well, I'm a little tired.
me: why?
dad: I spent the night on a US Navy ship.
me: why?
dad: I thought it would be good for Shay.

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(no subject)

Nov. 17th, 2007 | 03:51 pm

procrastination
11/19: 3-5 page research proposal
11/29: 10 page paper on "poverty"
12/1: Tufts Dems symposium
12/5: moxie and econ problem set
12/6: Macro Final
12/13: Geology Final
12/18: Chinese Final
12/20: four-hour-long EPIIC final extravaganza
12/21: 20 page Bolivia research paper due

today we had the security briefing for research trips through the IGL, and it was so long, and by the end I was scared. I don't know how I'm going to pull off Bolivia by myself. If I succeed, it will make me so happy. But I'm getting scared. It should be fine. Just scary.

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(no subject)

Oct. 9th, 2007 | 02:56 pm

"I was personally responsible for the economic resurgence of Haiti. Hold your applause. The meeting beforehand was about fifty white guys who didn't know a thing about Haiti, and I was in the minority because we were only about 40% jewish. I raised a point about poverty, and the next day in the New York Times I read I was leading the reconstruction effort for Haiti. I was like, what the fuck?"

sometimes EPIIC makes me lol.

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